


Different

by justanotheruswntlover19



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-15
Updated: 2017-03-04
Packaged: 2018-08-31 02:33:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8559985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justanotheruswntlover19/pseuds/justanotheruswntlover19
Summary: Since Julie Johnston was little, she always knew she was different from everyone else. She's always known it, and she's dealt with it her whole life. So what happens when it starts dragging her down? Will our favorite green-eyed striker be able to save her, or will JJ become lost in her own head? Slight AU.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! This is my first time writing so bare with me here. I hope you enjoy! The main ship here is Presston, but there's gonna be side ones too. Sorry for any spelling, grammar errors- my laptop doesn't have spell check. Much love to you all!

_You'll never make the team. Jill's going to cut you as soon as she can._

You whip your head around to try and find the source of the voice, sighing to yourself when you realize there's no one else in the room with you. You rub the back of your neck trying to relieve any of the built up tension as you reach for the bottle of pills next to your kitchen sink. The bottle has somehow become your saving grace, but at the same time it's the cause of all of your frustrations. You pop open the bottle and stick two blue pills in your mouth, not bothering to wash it down with liquid. This isn't anything new to you- you've dealt with schizophrenia since you were a teenager. Still, it stings a little more each time you're reminded that you'll never be normal. You'll always have these voices floating in your head- at least that's what the doctors told you when you were diagnosed at seventeen. The medicine helps, but nothing can completely rid your head of these god awful thoughts. 

_Why are you even trying? Be honest with yourself. You're not good at soccer. Look at Ali. Look at Ash. At Tobin, Christen, Alex. They're amazing at the sport. You? You're only on the team because Jill takes pity on you._

You slam your fist down on the kitchen table, like that's somehow going to make the voices stop. You're all too familiar with what they say- you've been hearing the same things for at least five years now. Hell, you even went to therapy to try and find  _something_ that makes it stop. But, you're doomed to live this life with no mercy. Nothing ever clears your mind. The pills help, you tell your concerned family. You rattle off lie after lie that you're getting better, and honestly your disease doesn't even really effect you anymore. You can lie to them all you want, but you know the truth. It isn't getting better- if anything, the voices intrude your thoughts more everyday. But you don't need your family worrying about you anymore than they already do. So you put on your best fake smile, and lie through your teeth and explain that yes mom, the pills really do help me at night. Yes dad, I sleep a full night without getting up once. You desperately wish that you were telling them the truth, and you weren't broken completely, barely sleeping at all, because every time you drift off you only dream of exactly what the voices are telling you.

_Speaking of Christen, why do you even try? How could she love someone like you? She deserves a normal person. Not someone that's going crazy._

You grab your head and yell out in frustration. You just wished the voices would stop for a day, but you're tormented every damn day of your life. Hearing these voices every day is killing you inside- but you do your best to keep a calm demeanor. Jill knows of your mental health status, along with your Chicago coaches, but they don't know the severity of it. You can't let them know- they'll kick you off the team, no doubt in your mind. Soccer is the only thing that keeps you even close to normal, and if you lose it now. Well. You have no idea how you would get through your day with these thoughts, without having the release of soccer. Playing the sport is the only thing close to release you'll ever find. While you're playing, the voices don't bother you. They're still loud and present, but you treat them like an obnoxious fan in the crowd. Your teammates know nothing about it, and you do your best to keep it that way. Saying no to going out, moving your pills to your bedroom whenever they come over, doing whatever you can to remain normal to them is a chore in itself, but you don't want them to find out and then take pity on you. You just want to be normal.

_Who could ever fall in love with you?_

You throw your head back, promising yourself to not cry. Not today. You glance at the clock, noticing it's almost midnight, you realize you should probably get to bed for practice in the morning. You tread into your bedroom, but not without changing into an oversized sweatshirt and sweatpants. You always get cold in the middle of the night, regardless of the season. You slip under the covers, and look up to your blank ceiling. You can only pray to God that maybe tonight's the one night you finally sleep without nightmares. Thoughts of practice tomorrow fill your head, and you drift off to sleep, giving yourself false hope that it'll get better in the morning. 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! thanks for all the love that this story has gotten so far (: I'm posting this chapter now, because I'm gonna get really busy with my indoor soccer team starting. I'll try to update often! There's actually gonna be some interactions in this chapter lol. Much love to you all!

The beeping of your alarm clock jolts you from your dreams as you sit up in your bed, realizing you kicked your sheets off sometime in the middle of the night. You slowly make your way into the bathroom to start your morning routine before you head off to practice with the team. Passing by your sink, you glance for a few seconds at the bottle of pills. Arguing with yourself for a few minutes, you realize you'll just be better without them. You're playing soccer anyway, and that's more of a cure than those god awful pills will ever be.

After you go through your normal morning routine, you grab your keys and wallet off the table by you door. With one last look at the bottle of pills, you close your door and start the long drive to the stadium to meet the rest of the team. You're excited to see them again- it helps when you're with people. It's a good change to hear voices coming from outside of your head, instead of your normal pattern.

_Just drive straight into that divider. What's stopping you? Slam on the gas._

You realize you probably should have taken your pills before you left. Too late now though.

After thirty minutes of telling yourself that you're not going to drive into the divider, you pull into the stadium and recognize your other teammates cars. It looks like Ali and Ashlyn are running late- not that you're surprised. Ever since they started dating they've been late to a lot of team events. You see Tobin leaning against Alex's Jeep, so you decide to go over. You put on your best smile, push the voices back, and start jogging over.

"Hey JJ! Long time no see!" Tobin greets you and leans in for a hug.

"Yeah! It's been way too long, Tobin." You hug her back, happy to hear her smooth voice compared to the rugged ones that you're used to. She gives you a pat on the back before letting you go.

"Hey Julie! How have you been?" Alex yells from the other side of the car, retrieving her duffle bag from the back seat. 

"I can't complain that much. What about you guys? Was New Jersey fun?" you ask her, remembering her and Tobin went to visit Tobin's family before camp.

"It was interesting alright. I didn't know the Heaths were so crazy when it came to their family game nights", she tells you, laughing at the memory. 

"Yeah right! You were the most competitive one there, don't even try to deny it, Lex." Tobin reminds her.

You laugh at your friends antics, not surprised at Alex's need to win everything. You wonder if they're really dating, like the whole team thinks- they haven't come out like Ashlyn and Ali though. But there's something about the way Alex looks at Tobin, or the way that Tobin always lingers when touching Alex, or how they always find each other after games and practices. If they are dating, you hope they make each other happy.

_Look at how happy they are. You'll never find that happiness. You'll never find someone to fucking love you._

You shake your head, and join Alex and Tobin walking into the stadium. Once you walk through the gates, your eyes automatically scan the team for your favorite forward. Alex is great and all, but there's just  _something_ about Christen. Something that draws you to her in ways you can't explain nor understand. Disappointedly, you don't see her and realize she still must be walking in. You spot Hope in goal, and jog over to catch up.

"Hey Hope! How was your month?" You ask her as she continues to stretch.

"It was alright. I'm excited to be back though- I missed the team. What about you? Are you happy to be back?".

_More than you could possible know,_ you think to yourself.

"Yeah! I've missed you guys too. It feels great-" you're cut off mid sentence by a heavy weight on your back and hands covering your eyes. 

"Jules! I've missed you so much!", you smile as you hear Christen's voice in your ears. It's probably the one voice you could hear everyday and not get tired of.

"Chris! I've missed you too! But I kinda can't see at the moment", you laugh, even though you really don't want her to get off of you- you love being this close to her, as her perfume fills your thoughts.

"Oh! Sorry Jules", she says, while hopping off your back.

_She hates you. Look how quick she got off. She doesn't want to be near you._

You automatically frown at the lose of contact, but smile again when she reaches for your arm. You're about to ask her all about her time back home, when Jill informs all of you it's actually time to practice. You and Christen walk arm and arm to the line that's forming, and start sprinting. You've really missed practice- the adrenaline pumping, hearing your teammates cheering you on, being able to play against Chris. It's the one thing that's kept you normal throughout this horrible journey, and you're reminded that you can never show any of them what's really going on.

_They'll think you're a freak. They'll turn you away in no time. They don't want a psycho on their team._

You do your best to push back the thoughts for the rest of the practice, but it's harder than it normally is. You realize you  _really_ should have taken your pills before you left. Other than the voices being more consistent, practice was uneventful. It was great being back, and you're extremely grateful to have these people in your life. Practice is wrapping up, and you're tying your cleats when you hear someone coming up behind you.

"Hey JJ. I was wondering if you wanted to get coffee after practice? And catch up more? I feel like I haven't seen you in years", you smile ear to ear when you realize Chris is the one asking. But you inwardly frown, realizing the voices are going to get worse unless you take your pills.

"Umm yeah that sounds great. Do you mind if we stop by my place first? I just have to grab something", you explain to her- hoping she wouldn't ask why.

"Yeah that's fine. Can we take your car? I caught a ride with Kling to practice", she responds.

You rack your brain for any clues that you left in your car that would point to your disease. Finding none you respond, 

"Yeah that works for me. Are you ready to leave?".

She nods, and reaches out a hand to help you up. You gladly take it, happy to be touching her. She smiles at you, and you can't help but look at her for a few seconds longer than normal friends do. There's something about how her eyes shine that makes you want to stare at them all day. But friends don't do that, so you look away quickly. You make small talk as you approach your car, throwing both of your stuff in the back. You start the car, crank the radio up and pull out of the stadium. You smile to yourself when you hear Christen's off pitch singing, staring out the passenger side window. Whenever you look at her, you feel butterflies in your stomach and you feel like you're in high school again. But you quickly push those thoughts down. You're just friends, and she could never love you anyway.

_She's so beautiful, look at her. How could she even be friends with you? You're so hideous and worthless._

You grip the steering wheel a little tighter, and keep driving to your apartment. All you can do at this point is hope that you reach your pills before Christen realizes somethings wrong. You drive a little faster, not wanting to ruin this day with her.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo, thoughts? I wanted to get this chapter out to you guys before I get insanely busy with soccer. Let me know what you think in the comments! Much love.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! Let me just tell you, being captain of a soccer team with a bunch of hyperactive and dirty minded college kids is probably the worst job I've had. Anyway, here's the next chapter! There's more JJ and Christen in this one lol. Much love to you all.

"Ugh, I'm starving. Why do we have to go back to your place again?", you immediately start to panic when Christen's question snaps you out of your thoughts.

"I have to get aspirin. I headed a ball wrong today and my heads killing me", you lie to her, hoping she'll believe you.

"Oh why didn't you just say so? I have some extra in my duffle." Shit. 

"Okay. I guess we don't have to stop by my place then. Where did you wanna eat?," you respond.

You start to panic. There's no way you can hide it from her during the whole length of your lunch. It was hard enough hiding it at practice- but this? God, what's gonna happen when she finds out. 

_You know what would fix the problem? Running straight into that tree. Do it. Hit the gas, stop being a pussy._

"Jules? Are you listening to me?", this is the second time her voice has drawn you out from your thoughts.

"Wait what? Sorry, just thinking about our game coming up", you feel guilty lying to her so much. But what other choice do you have?

"I said that we can just pick food up and go back to your place, if you want. Since your heads hurting", you smile at her thoughtfulness but then see the problem. 

"No! I mean, no. Why not just go out? Then I won't have to do dishes" you joke, but with more serious thoughts running in your head.

"But Juleeeess. I just want it to be us alone, not dealing with other people," she whines in her own cute Christen way. Does your heart always beat this fast?

_She doesn't want to be in public with you. She's ashamed of you._

You're in serious trouble now. There's reminders of your disease all over your small home. Your pills are laying out, you never cleaned up the lamp you broke out of frustration, even all your therapists and doctors numbers are on your living room coffee table. There's no way you can take her back to your house. But she's looking at you with her puppy dog eyes and an adorable pout, and all you can think is  _Fuck it_.

"Fine fine, we can go back. Just put away your weapons, Press", you tell her referring to her pout.

"Yes! Where do you want to eat?", you laugh at loud at the question- as if she's actually going to let you choose. 

After her telling you about five times that you can pick the place, she finally decides on a sushi restaurant that's ten minutes from your house. With both of your orders of sushi and way more soy sauce than either of you need in Christen's lap, you start the drive home. 

_She's going to find out and leave you. She'll turn around and run, just like Zach._

You cringe at the statement. Out of all the things you heard today, that one definitely stung the worst. It's been six months since you told Zach, and coincidentally six months since you've had a significant other. You loved Zach, and you thought he would understand. So you sat him down and flat out told him the truth. He took it well- or he at least acted like it. Eventually, he started ignoring your calls and messages. You remember what he told you when he finally ripped the band-aid off- rattling some lie about how the disease isn't why he's leaving. It's just a lot of responsibility and he's not ready for it. He wished you the best, took off in his shitty car, and you never heard from him again. 

_Can you blame him? Fucking look at you, Julie. Who the hell would ever want to love you? You think Chris would? Pathetic._

You want to tell the voices that Christen's different. That she would take care of you, and help you through this. Maybe if you weren't carrying the whole burden alone things wouldn't be so bad. But the voices are right. You thought Zach was different too, and that turned out just like the voices said.

"Okay, stay right here while I clean some things up in the house", you tell her when you pull in your driveway.

"Seriously Jules? It's just me. I've been in your house thousands of times. Hell, I basically almost live here at this point", she reminds you.

"Just wait right here!", you run off towards your front door before she can argue anything else. 

Knowing Christen, she'll come in despite your warning. It makes your heart swell knowing how she feels so much at home in your house, but you only have two minutes to make it seem like a normal person lives here. When she left to go back home to LA for two weeks your house became a wreck. She never came over, so you never had a reason to keep it clean. 

You're putting the last of the therapists numbers away when she opens the door, dropping her coat on your couch and slipping off her shoes. That was close.

"Ahh, I've missed this place. I'll go to the kitchen to get us some drinks and then we can dig in", she tells you already making her way to the kitchen.

Your pills.  _Fuck._

"No! No Chris I got it! I got it, you just go sit down", you yell at her. She keeps moving towards the kitchen.

"Chris! Chris stop! Stop! Please stop", you're running into the kitchen now. She can't find out. Not after everything you've done to hid it.

"Jules chill! I'm not going to break anything. I just-" she stops abruptly.

_She found them. She'll leave you in a heartbeat now. You're fucking useless, Julie. You couldn't even hide your pills right._

You walk into the kitchen with your eyes half closed, too afraid to look at Christen. You open your eyes all the way, and see that she's holding your pills. Today became the worst day of your life in a matter of seconds. 

"Jules... Are these yours? They say your name on it, but..." she trails off. 

The tears you tried so desperately to hold on finally break, and you feel them rushing down your face. There's no hiding this time. You can't lie your way out of this one. You nod at her question, crying more when the reality hits you.

"You're schizophrenic? No, there's no way Jules. There can't be. You can't be. I would have noticed", God you wish she was right.

The tears are still coming, but you feel numb now. Her face is scrunched up in confusion and you try to explain to her everything, through the sobs. But nothing comes out of your mouth. 

"I was diagnosed when I was 17. I always hid it", you somehow manage to get out while taking a breath.

"Jules..."

"No it's okay. You can leave, you can just leave. I understand. You don't want to be around a crazy person", your voice cracks as you tell her, knowing she'll leave at some point. Might as well face the music, and not prolong what's going to happen eventually.

"What? Jules I'm not going anywhere. I'm your best friend Jules. I love you. I'm just shocked right now, and it's really hard to take all of this in. But I'm not leaving you Julie. Never. Can we go sit on the couch and talk? I want you to let me in", her kind voice is too much.

If you thought you were crying before, nothing compares to now. Sobs rack your body and you fall to your knees- too weak to hold yourself up anymore. You expect to hear footsteps and your front door slamming. But you don't expect Christen to kneel down with you, covering you in a hug, and rocking you back and forth. The position is uncomfortable for both of you, so Christen lays you down so you're sitting between her legs, head buried in her chest. She plays with your hair and whispers encouraging words in your ear to help you calm down. 

After twenty minutes of you sobbing you finally look up at her.

"We can talk now. I want to tell you everything, but promise you won't leave after I tell you", you beg her.

"Jules. I promise. I swear on my life I'll never leave you", she whispers.

You want to believe her. You really fucking do. But, in the back of your head you hear one word.

_Liar._  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soo, thoughts? what do you guys expect to happen next chapter? did you like this one? let me know in the comments!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so finals week is literally kicking my ass, and I should be writing my arch paper but here i am :') sorry if this is really sucky lol, I'm all over the place recently. and I guess I didn't make this clear but the uswnt camp in the story is taking place in chicago lol. sorry! anyways, much love to you all!

*flashback*

_Good luck on this test coming up. You're gonna fuck it up anyway._

You whip your head around so fast, you think you've given yourself whiplash. 

"Who said that?", you ask your friends walking with you towards biology.

"Said what Julie?", they respond.

"Okay guys. Very funny. Ha Ha", you laugh it off- they're always playing tricks on you.

They give you an odd look, but you shrug it off. You're not going to let them get in your head this time. It seems you're always in the middle of their pranks, nothing is new with this one.

_They know you're gay. They think you're disgusting._

"What the fuck guys! Who said that?", you didn't mean to yell it, but this pranks going a little too far.

"Johnston, what the fuck are you talking about? No one said anything", they tell you.

You roll your eyes at them. Leave it your friends to get you so worked up when you have an exam in five minutes. Still, it worries you that someone thinks you're  _like that_. No matter how hard you try to push back your feelings towards girls, you just  _can't_. But, you successful hid it from your friends. Or so you thought. 

"Fuck you guys. You guys are being assholes. And it's not even true!", you're getting angrier the more the deny it.

"Maybe you should see the nurse Julie. No one is saying anything", they still don't let up. 

"Yeah, sure guys. Can we just get to class?", you're really not in the mood to deal with them anyway.

After waving off their stares, you make it to your biology class. You take your normal seat next to Jake- one of your friends boyfriends. He seems nice enough, but you never spend much time with him outside of class. He always lets you copies his notes when you miss class though. Your pulled out of your thoughts when your teacher walks in the room, telling everyone to take out a pencil and put everything away. He's passing out the test when you hear it again.

_Jump out the window. What's stopping you?_

"Wow Jake. They got you in it too? Can you not do that when we take the test?" you whisper

"What? What are you talking about?", he whispers back. Great! More stress to add before the test.

You shake your head, becoming determined to not let them mess up your test. You've studied way too hard for this. You'll just ignore them next time they say something. 

Ten minutes pass and it seems that they've given up on bothering you. You smile at yourself when you take the exam, confident in your answers. You can tell you're going to get one the highest grades in the class. You're looking at the next page of the exam when your head starts pounding.

_That answer is wrong, dumb ass._

_Why the fuck do you think that's right?_

They start off soft, but the whispers turn into shouts. To top it off, they keep coming at you at a pace you can't keep up with.

_Are you fucking retarded, Julie?_

_Everyone's staring at you because they know you're gay._

_It's so fucking obvious Julie. Why do you think none of your friends ask to hang out anymore?_

_Just jump out that fucking window!_

_End it all!_

_You don't deserve to fucking live!_

"Stop! Guys stop! It isn't funny anymore, just stop!", you're yelling at the class, and everyone's staring at you.

_They think you're crazy. But, they're not wrong. You're fucking crazy._

_Psycho. That's what you are._

_All your friends are gonna leave you. Who wants to be friends with the insane?_

"STOP!", you're yelling at the top of your lungs now, but you don't care. You just need it to  _stop._

Everyone continues staring at you, but the voices don't stop. That's when you see the issue- no one is speaking. No one is moving their lips, but the voices in your head continue. That's the exact moment when you realized you were losing your grip on reality.

*end flashback*

"So yeah.. that's when all of this really started..." you trail off, sniffling, not really sure what Christen is going to think.

"Wow Jules... I'm so sorry you had to go through this at such a young age. You didn't deserve that", what did you do to deserve her kindness?

The room stays silent for a few minutes, while Chris takes in your story. You're both sitting on the couch in your living room, close enough that your shoulders are touching. You want to have more contact, but you know that wouldn't be the best thing right now. You're still not entirely sure if she's going to stay- but God do you want to believe her promise. 

_Give her a day, at the most. She's going to tell the team and you'll be locked up in an asylum._

You cringe at the voices- the last thing you want is to be in another hospital. Since you've been diagnosed you've developed a small phobia of them, if you're being honest with yourself.

"Did you just hear another voice? You're making a weird face", she must have noticed your sudden mood shift. 

"Yeah.. it's no big deal. I already know what they always say", you look away, too embarrassed to make eye contact.

"What do they always say?", you're taken back by her bluntness.

"You- you want to know what they say? Why?", no one's ever asked that before. No one other than your doctors and therapists of course. 

"I want to know what you're going through, Jules. I want to understand. That is, if you'll let me", you're really amazed on how she can make your heart beat this fast. 

"Okay... Just.. no one's ever asked before you know? It's weird trying to explain it. It's always negative things though, but I'm assuming you already knew that. They try to get me to kill myself a lot. By jumping out a window, running my car into a tree, they even tried to get me to drown myself while I was showering", you laugh bitterly at the memory.

"Jesus Christ Julie, that's awful. Do they say anything else?", the questions just keep coming. 

You nod your head and keep going. "Yeah, they do. Mostly about how I'm not a good soccer player, or how I'm only on the team because Jill feels bad for me. Those happen the most often, and they're almost the loudest".

"Loudest? I thought they would all be the same?", she asks.

"No. Some are way louder than others. The voices that tell me to kill myself are the softest. But I think they're the worst ones. It's like someone whispering in your ear, and for a couple seconds I think it's a real person. The ones that tell me I'm crazy are the loudest. It's like someone yelling directly in your ear. Those aren't bad though. At least those are telling the truth", you answer honestly.

"Jules.. You're not crazy. You're just dealing with something right now- but you're not crazy", she grabs your hand as she tells you. She interlocks your fingers, and your heart flutters. 

"Christen. Look, I appreciate what you're doing and all, but what's the point? Why are you doing this?", you're almost positive she's going to leave. The only question is when?

"Jules, I wanna help you. You're the most important person in my life. I want to be here for you- no matter what", you laugh at her words. 

"No matter what? Yeah, right Chris. Just stop. I don't need pity. I don't want you to stay because you feel sorry for me", you tell her.

"Jules. I know you've been hurt before. I kinda got that from your story. And I'm sorry that your other friends left you. But I'm not going to do that, Julie. I'm not staying because I feel sorry for you, trust me", you notice a slight blush when she finishes and looks at you.

"Chris.. I want to believe you, God I really do. It's just. I can't right now. I'm sorry", all your emotions are catching up with you and a few small tears start to fall.

"Then let me show you", she whispers.

_You don't deserve such a beautiful girl in your life. You're pathetic and worthless, Julie. Let her go now before she gets too attached to you._

"Chris I-", you don't get to finish your sentence before she drags you over from your spot on the couch to her lap. You recognize her perfume and automatically start to calm down.

"I'm not letting you push me away, Jules. That might have worked for other people, but it sure as hell isn't working for me. I'm staying. Right here", she whispers in your ear. 

Your hearts beating uncontrollably right now. You could get addicted to being this close to her. You lay your head on her shoulder, and she starts to play with your hair.

"Tell me about the friends that left you", she whispers into your hair

*flashback*

"Hey guys! Guys! Wait up!", you run to catch up with your friends who seem to be walking a little faster now.

"Ohhh hey Julie! We we're just going to soccer practice" Maria informs you.

"Oh! I didn't know we had practice today. Let me go get my cleats!", before you can run off, you hear them mumble.

"Do you really think that's a good idea? I mean, you just got diagnosed... We don't want you to scare off the new members on the team..", they trail off, refusing to look you in the eyes.

"What? Are you guys being serious? It's not like I'm contagious or anything? I'm just Julie?", you're really confused at this point.

"Guys, I'll talk to her. You go ahead, I'll meet you guys at practice", Rachel says to your group of friends. You see them all run to the field, and your uncertainty is growing by the minute.

"Okay listen Julie. We don't wanna be mean or anything, but you kinda lost your mind in biology that day. You just don't seem like Julie to us anymore. The coach already kicked you off the team, but I guess she didn't tell you. We just don't think it's best to have you on the team when you're in this state of mind. You understand, right?" she's breaking your heart more with every sentence.

"Oh... Yeah, I guess that makes sense. Are we all still hanging out Friday night though?", you've been looking forward to your weekly hang out since Sunday.

"Yeah Julie.. About that.. We just. We don't really think we should hang out anymore, you know? You should be focusing on you right now, and not be distracted by us. We're really looking out for you", and you thought it couldn't get any worse.

"Yeah! That makes sense! Thank you. I'll text you guys!", you tell her, holding the tears at bay.

She smiles and starts to jog off. You go the same direction as her, towards the bathroom to collect yourself. As you turn the corner to the bathroom, your heart shatters.

"She's fucking crazy! I can't believe she thought we were going to stay friends with her through this", you hear followed by multiple laughs. 

You can't tell if it's your actual friends talking, or the voices. You don't know which one would be worse, but you know that your heart breaks because you can't tell the difference.

*end flashback*

"What shitty people. God, I'm so pissed off now! They had no right to do that to you, knowing what you were going through! Who the fuck do they think they are?", you've never seen the protective side of Christen before. But you really like it.

"Chris, it's fine. We were just teens at the time- they didn't know what they were doing. Besides, I'm over it", you smile at her, as if those people didn't make you feel like an outcast for years.

"You can lie to everyone else Julie, but you can't lie to me. I know they got to you. And I'm sorry that those asswipes treated you like that. You deserve better", she says.

_She deserves better, Julie. Better than what you could ever give her._

"Thanks Chris. It means a lot to hear that", you give her a genuine smile for the first time since she found out.

"Do you wanna talk about anything else? You know I'm always here for you", she tell you sincerely. 

"I'm kinda all worn out with the heavy stuff. Do you just wanna watch a movie? Or you can go home, if you want..", you shutter at the thought of her leaving you.

"I would love to watch a movie with you Jules", you can tell she's being honest and your heart speeds up again. 

You get to your Netflix account without having to move. You're still snuggled up into her lap, and you don't want to get up anytime soon. After going back and forth between a couple movies, you finally decide on some sappy romantic comedy that she's been dying to see. Halfway through the movie, your eyes start to droop. Today's taken a toll on you emotionally and physically. You lean back more into her lap. Turning around to face her, you realize she's already fallen asleep. You struggle with yourself for a few minutes, trying to decide your next move. You really don't want to be alone tonight. You turn the TV off, and gently lay her back on your couch. You easily crawl on top of her, putting the nearest blanket over both of you. You rest your head on her chest and listen to her heartbeat. For the first time in years, you fall asleep easily. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooo, thoughts? predictions for next chapter? Let me know what you think in the comments! much love


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sooo sorry that I haven't updated in forever! pls forgive but it's been crazy with the holidays and everything. speaking of, how was everyone's holiday?? and have u guys seen the January camp?? sooo happy ARod is back! ok anyway, sorry for the rambling, here's the next chapter! much love to u guys

_ Wake up, dumb ass. _

You slowly lift your head from its original position and look around. Both you and Christen are sprawled out on your couch, your body laying completely on top of hers. One of her hands is tangled in your hair and the other is resting on your hips. 

_ Get up before she thinks you're a creep. _

You realize the voices are right and reluctantly start to get off the couch. Chris's hand on your hip has a different idea, though. She pulls you back into her chest and your heart swells for a moment. You love being this close to her, and you especially love how she dragged you back down into her. You start to get comfortable against her chest when you hear it again.

_ Why is she sleeping in front of you? Doesn't she know you're dangerous? Don't you remember the lamp? The chair? The window? _

You shutter when they keep bringing up those memories. You don't think you could ever hate yourself more than when you're in one of  _ those  _ moments. Those moments when the voices come at you in speeds you didn't think possible. When you're hearing them all at once and you want so desperately for them to stop. You don't even remember what you're doing when you're in those moments. All you know is when they stop you're left in a room with the mess that you created. 

_ What happens if you have a moment with Christen? Are you going to break her, too? _

"No", you whisper to yourself. Or maybe it wasn't whispering considering Christen is starting to stir. 

"What? Are you okay?", she rasps out in a groggily voice that you can't help but fall in love with. 

"Oh, yeah. I'm sorry I woke you", you apologize to her. You're still laying on her chest and you can feel her heartbeat increase.

"Don't worry about it. I should have gotten up sooner", she tells you while yawning.

You glance over at the clock next to your table realizing it's only 9:30.

"It's still early. I can get up and you can go back to sleep, if you want. I feel really bad waking you up", you say.

"No I promise it's fine. I'm sorry I just kinda crashed on your couch", she laughs to herself.

"I was actually going to thank you. I just. I didn't wanna be alone last night", you trail off, not knowing what else to say.

"Well in that case, thank you for letting me keep you company. How hard is it to sleep alone on your bad nights?", she asks you.

"Oh. I don't know. On my really bad nights I normally don't go to sleep. I just stay up and watch T.V. or something. It's not because I can't sleep. I just know that my dreams are going to be worse than reality. So I stay up as late as I can", you don't know why you're telling her all of this, but you want her to know. 

"God that's awful, Jules. When you have a really bad night, promise you'll let me know? We can both stay up and watch dumb movies", she tells you while mindlessly running her fingers through your hair.

"Maybe. I don't think both of us should be suffering when I can do it by myself. It just doesn't seem fair to you", you whisper into her chest. 

"Jules. I keep telling you. I'm going to be here for you no matter what. I don't care how bad it gets. So next time you have a bad night, call me. Okay? Okay. I'm going to go make breakfast", she says.

She starts to get up but not without giving you a quick peck on your forehead. She lingers for a few seconds and your mind starts to wander. You remind yourself that you two are just friends and nothing more. You excuse yourself to the bathroom while she rummages through your fridge and pantry.

You didn't even realize how awful you looked until you saw yourself in the mirror. Your hair is going in every possible direction, your mascara is smudged and it's obvious you've been crying. You sigh to yourself while trying to make yourself seem somewhat decent for Chris. After a good 15 minutes you give up and walk into your kitchen.

_ You look pathetic. Christen isn't going to be impressed with how ugly you- _

"Hey pretty girl! I'm attempting to make pancakes and I honestly almost burnt down your kitchen. Help?" she turns around as she speaks and you notice she has flour all over her face.

Laughing to yourself, you respond "Geez Press. I leave you alone for 15 minutes and you try to kill us".

She knocks you with her hip and gives you the spatula to start flipping. You immediately get to work and try to fix the globs of batter on your stove. You're humming to yourself when you feel Christen tap your shoulders.

"Here's your pills. Do you need to take them with food or anything?", she asks you.

"Oh. I wasn't. I mean. I wasn't going to take them", you tell her.

"What? Jules you have to take your medicine. Your doctors gave it to you for a reason", you can tell this is going to lead into a fight.

"It's just. It's. They don't. They don't really help, you know? I still hear the voices no matter what I do, and the drugs make me feel foggy. Like nothing is real. I don't like taking them", she frowns at you when you're done speaking.

"Jules you have to take them. They have to help you, at least a little. If they weren't helping, the doctors wouldn't give you them", she keeps pressing. 

"No! Okay? No. The doctors don't care, Chris. They never do. They just care about getting their money. They look me over for five minutes, take my money, and then send me away with a bucket of pills that never work. They never work", your voice starts to raise and you realize you have to calm down. Nothing ever good happens when you're getting upset.

_ That's it Julie. Let her have it. _

_ She doesn't care about you. She's making you take pills because she's  _ **_afraid_ ** _ of you. _

_ She's terrified of you. Do you blame her? _

And just like that. You find yourself in one of those moments that you dread the most. 

_ You're a monster. That's why she's so scared. _

_ She's just like the doctors. She doesn't care. She wants you to swallow the pills and shut up. _

_ Get rid of her.  _

_ Leave her before she decides to leave you. You know it's coming.  _

_ End. It. _

_ End. Her. _

"Stop. Please please stop. I can't. You win just stop, please", you don't know what you're doing but you need them to stop.

_ Of course we win, Julie. _

_ We always win.  _

_ You can never get rid of us. That's why we always win. We'll always be here, and you'll always have to listen to us.  _

_ You'll always hear us. _

You pick up the thing closest to you, a bowl, and throw it as hard as you can against the wall. You know it won't help anything, but you're desperate now.

"STOP. Just stop. Please", tears are streaming down your face now and everything starts to become clear again. The voices slow down and you can hear yourself think again. You do what the doctors tell you, and start counting backwards from 10. It's not until you're at 7 that you notice Chris. 

Chris, your best friend that you definitely wish was more than a friend. She's there with you, rocking you back and forth on your couch. You don't remember being anywhere near your living room, but you've learned to accept the voices basically control you at this point. 

"Jules. Jules please, it's me. It's me. Just listen to my voice, not theirs. Listen to my voice, love. Just me. Please Jules, snap out of this", you realize you probably scared her more than you scared yourself. 

"I'm sorry Chris. I'm so sorry. I didn't. I didn't mean to throw the bowl, I didn't mean to scare you. I didn't mean for any of this. I'm so fucking sorry", you choke out. You're not sure if you're apologizing for the incident or the fact you're not normal. 

"Oh thank God. I'm so glad you're okay. I didn't think you were ever gonna snap out of it", you can tell she was seriously afraid.

"I'm sorry. I should have told you. I have those episodes sometime, but it's not a thing that happens everyday. I'm sorry", you shoot out apology after apology.

"Stop saying sorry, Jules. It's not your fault. It never is and it never was. If anything, I'm sorry for being a shitty friend. You've been dealing with this since we met and I never noticed. I never saw that you were struggling so bad. I'm sorry for not being there when you needed me. I'm sorry you had to go through this alone", she starts to tear up and you feel a tug on your heartstring.

"God, Chris. Don't say that. It's not your fault that I kept it a secret. And I'm so beyond thankful that you're with me here, right now", you whisper, too afraid to raise your voice again and scare her.

"Yeah. I'm right here J. Always", she whispers back.

_ She'll leave you. Stop being naive, Julie. _

You both stay in that position for a few minutes. You can't help but enjoy these little moments, knowing it's the closest you'll ever get to loving her like you want to. It isn't until the smell of burning pancakes that brings you back to reality.

"Shit!", you both yell and move to the kitchen before they can start smoking.

You both try to salvage as much as you can, but end up with only two pancakes that weren't completely burnt. You laugh at each other and make fun of the inability to cook. You could get lost in moments like this because everything seems normal. If a stranger were to look in your house at this very moment, they wouldn't think anything was out of place. Just two best friends messing up their breakfast. You would seem normal. And God knows that's all you've ever wanted in life.

When you look back up from your plate, you're completely speechless. You've always known that Chris was beautiful, but God damn. Her hairs up in a messy bun, wearing your sweatpants, with a little flour on her cheek, chowing down on her slightly burnt pancake. This is the Christen you've fallen in love with. Not the one that the media sees- powerful, composed, ready to strike a ball easily into the net. No questions asked, you love that Christen too. But this Christen- the messy morning Chris-this is the person that stole your heart. It feels like you know the messy version better- she makes quite an effort so the rest of the team never really sees her messy side. Besides you, of course.

"Whatcha starring at, Jules?", her questions completely brings you out of thought, and you realize you've been caught.

Your cheeks blush slightly and you reply, "Oh. You're just. Like really really pretty".

"Oh. Thanks J. But I have nothing compared to you", she says as her cheeks redden.

_She's just being nice. You're so hideous._   


You're about to tell her she's wrong when her phone rings, and she goes to reach for it.

"Hello?"

"No, I'm with Julie. Why?"

"Ummm. I'm not sure, I'll ask her. I know she was feeling a little under the weather."

"Yeah! Yeah I'll talk to her and text you."

"Okay. Bye Tobs."

"That was Tobin. She wanted to know if we wanted to hang out with her and Alex. I think they're going out for lunch around noon and then mini golfing or something? That's what Alex was saying in the back, but I don't know," she tells you. 

"Yeah we can go if you want. It might be fun to see Tobs beat Alex in mini golf", you say.

"Jules... We don't have to go. I know these last couple of days have been rough on you. We can stay here or something", she's really too kind for you.

"No, it's fine! Trust me, I've had so many worse days. Today's been nothing, really. And I think it'll be more fun than be cooped up in my house all day," you feel bad enough she's spent yesterday in your house. The least you can do is go out today.

"I don't know, JJ. Maybe it'll be better if we stay in", she tells you while biting her lip.

"If it makes you feel better, I'll take my meds. We can still go out today. Trust me Chris, I'm fine", you say while reaching over her to get your pills.

"Okay Jules. Only if you're 100% sure", she answers.

"Of course! I think it'll be fun", you tell her while swallowing two pills.

"Okay. But if anything starts to get bad, you'll tell me? Promise? I can fake sick or something, and we'll come home", she asks.

"I promise, but it'll be fine.", you respond.

"In that case, I'm going to hop in your shower. I'm sure I have some clothes laying around. Can you text Tobin and tell her we'll meet them at noon?", she says as she puts both of your plates in your dishwasher.

"Yeah, I'm texting her right now", you reply.

"Okay. I'll be in the shower", she starts to walk off but not without kissing your forehead again. 

Your forehead tingles from her lips, and it's getting harder to only act like her friend. But you know its for the best. She doesn't like you like that, and you'll never be capable of giving her the love she deserves. She deserves the entire galaxy, and you couldn't even give her your entire self. There will always be a part of you that belongs to the voices. No matter what you do.

_Never forget that, Julie. You belong to us._   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thoughts?? did you guys like it? ok real question, do you guys want more Alex/Tobin interactions? or should I focus on JJ/Chris? also, I'll try to get the next chapter out semi soon. Much love to u all!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok well, that game was rough. But bless rose and JJ and kriegs and literally everyone except jill.

"Hole in one! Try and beat that Toby", Alex says while sticking her tongue out at Tobin.

"For the love of God, stop calling me Toby. And that was just luck, you obviously had the wind on your side", Tobin yells back while still looking for her ball in the grass, with no success.

You snort at your friends while Christen pushes you with her elbow, signaling it's your turn to make a fool of yourself. You never were good at mini golf, but you blame it on the lack of experience. Besides, who needs golf when you're a professional soccer player?

You line up your shot, take a deep breath, and completely miss. Not only do you miss, but you actually hit it to the next hole over where an elderly couple looks at you annoyed. 

"Sorry about that. I'm not that good with a golf club...", you trail off trying to retrieve your ball without being clubbed to death.

"Just get your ball and go back to your  _ girlfriend. _ What a disgust", he spits back at you. 

"Is everything okay over here, Jules? You're missing Tobin and Alex arguing over the wind", you hear Christen come up behind you putting her hand on your back.

"Huh? Oh yeah. Yeah, everything's fine. Let's just head back", you reply suddenly feeling very uncomfortable under the man's gaze.

"Fucking Dykes. Do you really have to flaunt it in front of everyone? There are children around", he snaps at both you and Christen.

_ He's right, you know. What you're doing is a sin and wrong.  _

"Excuse me? What did you say?" Christen yells back as you tug on her wrist trying to head back to Tobin and Alex.

"Chris, just drop it. Let's just go back to our hole and finish the game", you whisper to 

her. 

She stares at you for a few seconds but eventually nods her head. You let out a breath you didn't know you were holding and start to walk back. As much as you would love to tell that man off, you know it won't help anything. Being raised in a very Christian family, the concept of homophobia isn't new to you. You wish it was, but you were dealt the overly-religious parent card.

"JJ, please tell Lex that she's not Tiger Woods long lost daughter", Tobin says while laughing,

"Jeez Alex, it looks like that hole in one went to your head a little bit," you laugh at her.

"Whatever JJ. Let's just finish this game so I can kick Tobin's ass more," she says while lining up her shot.

You laugh at her competitiveness and watch as she sinks another hole in one while making fun of Tobin’s inability to score below par. While Alex is still laughing, Tobin lines up her shot and somehow manages to hit it through the fence and into the lot next do or.

“Fuck me. Lex, you’re coming with me to get it. It’s mostly your fault that it’s over there”, Tobin says while dragging Alex behind her.

_ Look at how she touches her. Christen will never touch you like that. _

“Hey Jules. How are you feeling?” Christen asks you while leaning against the railing.

“I’m fine Chris”, you say with a little more bite than you mean to.

“Okay, okay. Sorry.. I just wanted to make sure you were fine”, she whispers back, automatically making you feel worse about your response.

_ Great, Julie. You hurt her feelings. Proud of yourself _ _? _

“Wait, Chris, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude, I’m just fine, you know? I’m doing great and I don’t want you to be worrying about me. Let’s just enjoy right now, okay?”, you apologize.

“Yeah. Yeah, let’s enjoy right now”, she says while smiling back at you.

You’re about to respond but you hear Tobin and Alex coming back from the ball, still arguing about who’s fault it was that her ball got stuck in the grass. Obviously it was Tobin’s fault, but it’s funny to watch them go back and forth. You get on with the game, thankfully with no more entanglements. Although the older man keeps giving you dirty looks, you ignore him and let yourself actually have fun. At the end of the game, you’re in dead last and Alex, no doubt, came in first by more than a few strokes.

“There’s no way! There’s no possible way unless you cheated, Lex. You had to have cheated!”, Tobin says.

“Yeah, right. Just face it Tobin, I beat you fair and square. Maybe next time you won’t completely suck!”, Alex laughs back.

“Loser has to buy lunch, right? Sorry JJ, but I’m demanding lobster and steak”

“Yeah. Well, we’re going to McDonalds”, you respond with a snort.

Thirty minutes later you’re all pulling into the closest McDonald’s piled in Alex’s jeep since she refused to let someone else drive. Her quirks can be a handful sometime, but you wouldn’t trade these people for the world. Alex, Tobin, and Christen have easily become your closest friends. You don’t know what you would do without them.

_ I guess you’ll find out. You know they’ll turn your back on you, the only question is when? _

Once you’re all seated with food that would definitely get you murdered if Dawn ever found out, Christen clears her throat.

“So, how’s the divorce life treating you, Alex?” Christen asks, and you immediately cringe on what she just brought up.

“Oh. It’s good. Um. Yeah, it’s good. Thanks”, she says as she fidgets with her hands. Tobin automatically put her hand on her back

“Anyway. Are you guys excited for the game coming up? I know it’s just a friendly, but I’m so ready to get back on the field”, you say trying to defuse the tension Chris created. 

_ Yeah. Ready to make a fool out of yourself again? Rio was your fault. If you defended better, you would be holding a gold medal. _

“Yeah! I think it’ll be good to see how the team works with Jill’s 3 back. I mean, I don’t think it’s going to work. But it’ll be fun to get back on the pitch, you know?”

_ You know Jill isn’t going to pick you. They know it too, they feel sorry for you. Why would Jill pick you when she has Becky, Ali, Kelley, Allie, do you really want me to keep going on? _

“Yeah, that back three is a mess. Hopefully Jill sees that early on and can adjust before we get too far behind”

_ You’re going to lose this game, just like Rio. It’ll be your fault. Just like Rio, _

Trying to focus on your friends and not the voices, you ask Tobin and Alex to tell you more about their time in New Jersey. Alex’s face automatically lights up, and she goes on and on about the weather, Tobin’s parents, and Tobin’s wipeout on her longboard. She’s in the middle of trying to get Tobin to lift up her shirt so she can show you the scratch that she had to patch up, when you hear it again.

_ They don’t really like you, Julie. Surely you know that. They’re like every other person you’ve met. They don’t love you, they feel sorry for you. Can you never tell the difference? _

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom really quick, guys”, you say as you stand up quickly.

You walk with a faster pace to the bathroom to try and get a grip on yourself. You really don’t wanna ruin today’s great day with another episode. You’ve learned that if you get a head start on this, you can normally get the upper hand and only walk away with minimum damage. You turn the sink on and splash your face with some cold water while looking back up at the mirror.

_ Why do you even care about today? Why do you care about them? It’s obvious they don’t care about you. _

_ You have to know that it’s not possible for them to care about you. No one can care about you.  _

You keep telling yourself to take deep breaths, in and out. The last thing you need right now is to lose it in a McDonald’s bathroom, for God’s sake. So, you do the only thing that really helps you calm down. You think about Christen. Christen and those perfect eyes with that blinding smile that lights up any room. Her tone body with her soft skin, and perfect hands that fit right in yours. Yeah, you’re being cliche, but how could you not when a literal goddess is involved?              

“Julie? Are you okay? You’ve been in here for like ten minutes”, you’re relieved it’s Christen’s voice you hear, and not Tobin or Alex.

“Yeah, I’m fine. The voices were just getting a little bit too much. I just needed to take a breather. But I’m fine now”, you tell her.

She nods her head in understandment and walks over to you. She puts her hand on your back and rubs gentle. You really don’t know what you did in your past life to deserve someone like this.

“It’s okay. Take all the time you need, okay? I don’t care if we’re in here for an hour. I won’t leave, unless you want me too”, she whispers while taking your hand in her own.

You shake your head no, and allow her to comfort you. It’s both a strange and new feeling to you, having someone to help you through this. Sure, your parents and doctors were always “there” for you, but in the end you didn’t see yourself as anything but a charity case to them. 

_ Really, Julie? That’s all you are to Christen, too. She’s gonna learn all of your secrets, tell Jill, and get you kicked off the team. _

Your eyes widen at what the voices are saying, and you’re just now realizing the severity of the chance of them being right.

“Chris. You’re not gonna tell Jill, right? She’ll kick me off the team in seconds. God, you can’t tell her. You can’t. Please”, you beg.

“What? Why would I tell Jill? Why would she kick you off? Jules, you’re not making any sense”, she tells you with a confused look.

_ She’s lying. You know that two people have to be cut from the roster soon. Why wouldn’t she try to dwindle down the competition? _

“Oh my God. I can’t believe I was this stupid! You’re just trying to get me cut from the roster so Jill doesn’t cut you. Get away from me”, you yell while promptly walking off wanting to just go home.

She grabs your wrist as you’re walking away, “Jules, what are you talking about? I don’t understand where this is coming from. I would never tell Jill, unless you wanted me too, and I don’t want to get you cut? Why would I want my best friend not with me on the field?”.

_ Don’t let her manipulate you, Julie. She’s being selfish.  _

“Okay, okay. I understand what’s happening. Jules, don’t listen to anything they’re saying okay? Let me just talk for a minute and you listen to me. And only me. I’m not going to tell Jill, because it’s not my place to tell her. Or anyone, for that matter. I need you on this team with me, I would never do anything to get you kicked off. I promise”, she tells you while staring at you with those eyes.

“But why? God Chris, why are you here? It doesn’t make sense why you’re being so nice to me. I’m broken, Christen. Why are you wasting your time trying to fix me? It’s impossible, trust me”, you remind her, not meeting her gaze.

“Julie. Look at me. I care about you more than anyone in the world. You’re not broken Jules, you’re perfect. And I’m so in-. I love you so much, and I really just wish you could see that. But I know why you can’t. But Jules, you are the most beautiful, intelligent, athletic, funniest, person I’ve ever had the privilege of knowing. And I’m not trying to fix you Jules, there’s no point. Because you’re absolutely perfect to me, flaws and all”, she tells you while gently wiping the few tears that’s collected on your face away.

In that moment, everything just feels right. And you can honestly say you’ve only had this feeling one other time- when you first picked up a soccer ball. You look up at her, and she’s staring right back at you. Then you realize that she must have moved forward, because she’s only inches from your face. Those eyes keep drawing you in, and you can’t remember the last time your heart beat this fast. Her eyes flicker down to your lips, then back up to your eyes. You can’t help but look down at her lips too, and you notice her leaning in. You close your eyes and start to lean forward. You can feel her breath, and you can’t believe this is actually doing to happen. 

“Hey JJ! Christen! Let’s go! You guys a- oh shit. I’ll just uh. I’ll wait outside”, Tobin says while you and Chris jump away from each other.

“Oh. Yeah, we should get back out there. You know Alex is still making fun of Tobin’s golf skills”, she tells you while looking down at her feet.

_ She’s so grateful Tobin came in when she did. Who would want to kiss you? _

“Yeah. You’re right. Thanks for talking me through this”, you tell her even though you’re disappointed that conversation didn’t end like you hoped.

“Anytime, Jules”, she flashes you a quick smile and starts to fix her hair in the mirror.

You’re disappointed, but you can’t help but remember the first time that this has happened. You watch Christen smooth down her hair in the mirror, when you think back to when you were younger. 

_________________________________________________________________________

“Hey JJ, can you help me reach the top shelf? You have sugar up there, right?”, your best friend Sam calls from your kitchen. You laugh to yourself while getting up to help.

“Yeah, doofus. Sugars on the top shelf, but since I’m not vertically challenged I’ll get it for you”, you say while standing on your toes to get it.

“Thanks babe. Although you should be thanking me for this masterpiece I’m about to make”, she says while lifting you up and setting you on the counter next to the stove.

“God, Sam. Always so cocky”, you laugh back while she pushes your legs apart to settle in between them.

“Only for you”, she tosses back with a wink.

_ Don’t listen to her. She feels sorry for you, because you have no friends. _

Your parents keep telling you to take your pills, but you just can’t seem to make yourself actually swallow them. Once you do, you’re just proving that you need them. Technically, if you don’t take them you can survive without them. Is it the best plan? No, but it’ll have to do until you come to grips with it.

You look back up to see what your best friend is doing, when you realize she’s staring directly back at you. You two have always been close since the incident in biology- she was really the only person to not turn their back on you. She always sticks up for you at school when people bombarde you with comments on your so called “insanity”. You two have gotten ridiculously close over these months, and you’re not sure if that’s a good thing, considering you both here the “fag” comments in the halls. Even your parents are suspicious, and at this point you don’t really know if they shouldn’t be. You feel things with Sam that you know you should be feeling with a boy.

“You have something on your mouth, kid”, she tells you while looking down at your lips.

“Yeah? How about you get it then”, you reply suddenly feeling much braver and bolder.

She gets the hint and moves closer between your legs. Taking a deep breathe she leans forward, closes her eyes, and meets your lips with hers. 

You forget how to breathe for a few seconds. This is your first time kissing a girl, and everything just seems so right compared to the few sloppy kisses you shared with boys at your friends parties. Her lips are so soft, and you can’t help but let out a sigh when you kiss back. This is definitely what you’re supposed to be doing, instead of wasting your time with horny teenage boys who only want to get in your pants.

You’re about to deepen the kiss when you hear a high pitch scream.

“Julie Beth Johnston! What the actual fuck do you think you’re doing?” you hear your mother yell, while you and Sam jump apart.

“Mom! Mom, it’s not what it looks like”, you frantically tell her while looking back at Sam.

“Yeah, Mrs. J. We were just uh. She had something on her mouth and-”

“Get out of my house, Samantha. Julie. Get your ass upstairs, and give me your phone. Do not leave that room until I come get you. Do you understand?” she tells you while pointing in the direction of your room.

“Yes ma’am”, you solemnly say while shooting Sam an apologetic look.

“Samantha, please never enter this house again. Julie, I’m going to call your father and see what he has to say about this absolutely revolting act. It has to be a side effect of those god damn pills. Get the fuck upstairs before I do something I regret, Julie”, she says while raising a hand.

You don’t call her bluff and run up the stairs to your room, before slamming and locking your door. You don’t know how much worse your life could get.

_ Dyke. _

Well. That’s one way it could get worse.

_ She’s going to beat the hell out of you, Julie. _

_ Do you blame her, though? You know what you did was so so morally wrong. What is wrong with you? _

You really can’t stop the tears now, and you’re not sure if you want to. You deserve to hurt after what you did. You don’t know what took over you, you normally push those feelings down so they never see the light of day. And the one time you actually act on them and you’re caught. Maybe it’s a sign that you’re never supposed to be happy. 

You’re absolutely sobbing when you hear your father slam the front door of your house.

“Where the fuck is she, Kristi? I swear to god, I’m going to kill her. This isn’t fair to us! She’s already a freak show, and now she decides she wants to be a dyke? God, at least we have Mel. Jesus what do we do? Is there a place we can send her or something?” you hear your father’s booming voice that draws more tears.

“God, I don’t know David. I doubt there’s a place that takes gays and crazies. Maybe I can find something, though. I don’t want her staying here and rubbing all of this off at Mel. I know she’s older, but she can still be influenced. Do you wanna talk to her, or should I? I don’t know if I can handle looking in her fucking eyes”, your mother replies oblivious to your eavesdropping.

“Maybe we should just let her stay in her room a while. I’m afraid I’ll do something drastic if I go up there right now. She’s staying home from school tomorrow, and we’ll have a long talk about what she did”, you cry harder when you hear that part.

_ He’s going to beat the shit out of you, Julie. But be honest with yourself. You know, deep down, you deserve it.  _

“Alright David. Just. I don’t care what you have to do, but make sure she gets the point”.

 

_________________________________________________________________________

 

“You ready to get back out there and leave? I think Jill wants us back for a team meeting, which should be super fun”, Christen says sarcastically, drawing you out of your thoughts.

“Yeah, let’s get Tobs and Alex and get out of here”, you reply not meeting her eyes.

You both leave the bathroom and find Alex and Tobin standing next to the door waiting for both of you. It’s obvious that Tobin told Alex what happened, as she sends you an apologetic look. You shrug your shoulders and you all pile into Alex’s jeep as she drives to the hotel. Tobin tries to keep the conversation light, but you’re content with staring out your window.

You pull into the hotel in the next twenty minutes, and you hop out before anyone can say anything. You head straight into the conference room and sit next to Ali and Ash, hoping to avoid Christen, way too embarrassed to actually face her after what happened.

_ Can you imagine what she’s thinking right now? About how the team dyke actually tried to kiss her? _

Your wish isn’t granted however, and Chris walks straight into the room and makes a beeline for the empty seat next to you. Trying to avoid conversation, you pull out your phone and mindlessly scroll through Instagram.

“Hey JJ. How was your day? Didn’t you go somewhere with Tobs and Alex?”, Ali says noticing the tension between you and Christen.

“Oh yeah. We all went mini golfing, it was fun”, you say a little too short.

“Sounds fun”, she trails off.

You nod, but don’t respond. You look up at Christen and you blush when you see she’s looking directly at you. She opens her mouth to say something, but you excuse yourself for some water to avoid it. You know you’re being an asshole, but you really don’t want to deal with your feelings right now. Especially when you know the feelings aren’t mutual. 

The meeting is boring, but what else is new. Jill doesn’t know what she’s doing with this three back and it shows. Jill lets you stay at your apartment when you have camps in Chicago, for your health reasons, but you have to stay at the hotel with the team before the game. Something about team bonding. It seems that everything is against you when she informs you you’ll room with Christen for the night.

You grab your stuff from Alex’s jeep and start the walk to, inevitably, a long night ahead of you. You ride the elevator alone to the fifth floor, and try to walk as slowly as possible to your room. You knock when you first get there, and when you don’t receive an answer, you use your card to open it. Christen isn’t in the room, so you decide on a hot shower to put off the conversation as long as possible.

You’re in the middle of shampooing when you hear Christen enter the room, calling out your name.

“I’m in the shower! Be out in a few minutes, though”, you yell from the shower.

You don’t expect what happens next.Christen storms through the bathroom door, “Julie. We have to talk. I know you’re avoiding me, but I’m not leaving this room until we talk.”

“Christen, what the hell? Can’t we talk when I’m like clothed? And not wet?” you say in shock.

“No. We’re going to talk right now, so you can’t run away from this. I don’t know where you’ll run off to if we talk out there.”, she says and you can hear her crossing her arms.

“Okay, okay. I promise I’m not going to run off or anything. But can we please do this when I’m clothed and can look at you”, you ask.

She sighs, says something inaudible and leaves the bathroom while slamming the door behind her. You really tried to avoid this talk, but nothing is going your way today.

_ Are you ready for her to break your heart? _

You sigh to yourself, and continue with your shower with a new found pace. At this point, you just want to get this over with. You don’t wanna prologue the heartbreak anymore. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok i am sorry from the bottom of my heart for the delay. school and soccer are kicking my ass so hard. anyway, this chapter was hella rushed so i'm sorry if there's any spelling or grammar issues. as always, let me know what you think so far in the comments! much love to you guys!


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